What if Adyson wasn't born a month early? Would she had lived to be 4 months old?
What if the doctor's didn't find out it was NH when they did? Would she still lived longer?
What if we would not have found Dr. Whitington?
What if we would have never left Chicago until we went HOME? Would she still have gotten staph and the flu and her kidney's shut down? Would I be holding her now instead of thinking everything that I think and should have done?
What if we would have fought harder? Done this or done that?
What if I would have prayed more?
What if instead of telling God that I was ready and prepared for Him to take her, I would have said NO, I want my little girl with me and watch her grow up?
What if we wouldn't have went to Atlanta?
What if we would have kept her here a few more days? Would God have healed her?
What if Dan and I stayed in the room with her when she passed?
What if we were to get pregnant again and do the preventative treatment from Dr. Whitington?
What if God doesn't want us to have another child?
What if I didn't have Konner? Would it be harder? He helps keeps me going.
A big piece of me is missing and will always be. My heart is empty. I am dry.
This is a song that says it all. ***COPY AND PASTE***
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WYK6TxWX7s
2 comments:
Kari
Thank you for sharing your heart. I can not imagine what you are feeling right now. I listened to the song and a line at the beginning struck me. It was about being refined through the Refiner's Fire. Although the fire burns and causes us pain, it refines us and brings about something new and pure. I know you have so many questions and God has put you "in the fire" so to speak. I pray that He will give you peace and strength. Be confident in His promise that "He who began a good work in you will perfect it." He has and is working in your life. He alone can perfect it.
My heart hurts for you and your family and I pray that in time God will grant you peace with your questions and quench your dry soul.
Kari, the what ifs wouldn't change one thing. God already had a plan for Ady and you see that plan unfold every day right before your eyes. It has changed your life forever and while it's heart breaking, she has changed others lives forever and in a beautiful way. The pain wont go away but keep reminding yourself you did everything God had planned for you to do....just with a ending that is hard to except sometimes.But I do believe no matter which path you would of chosen, God needed her special soul to do his work. And what an amazing job she is doing!
Love you guys,
Rachel
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