5 years old

Dear Konner,


I KNOW that I am not going to be able to write this without shedding an abundance of tears. That’s your Mama for ya =)

Unbelievable that you are now 5 years old. How does the saying go? You now fill up one full hand of fingers? Something like that.

I cannot begin to imagine how it must be to lose a sibling at the young age of 4. What you are feeling? What you think? How you feel? How hard it is for you? My heart aches for you just thinking about it. I know it’s hard for you. You even said one time about Rivers going to Heaven too. And sometimes you even think she is still in the hospital and Dad and I have to remind you that she is in Heaven with Jesus. Even going shopping and you see a ‘girl’ toy or outfit, you say, “We need to get that for Adyson.” My prayer is that you will know one day that there is a purpose and plan for everyone. God chose our family for this journey He has taken us on.

I love how you still pray for her at night. I love how when you are asked to draw a picture of your family, she is there. I love how just the other day you brought home a Christmas tree you colored at school and you said Adyson told you how to color it. I love how she is still in your heart and I pray she will stay there. I love how you comfort me when I cry and sometimes you cry with me and Dad. How you ask to fly an airplane to Heaven and see her. Oh, how I wish we could!!

Here is a poem I found and thought it was fitting (some parts anyway):

A CHILD’S GRIEF


Mommy, Mommy I need to know,
Why did our baby have to go?
Is that how come you became so sad?
And why my daddy became so mad?
Where is heaven, I sure want to see?
The place where our baby had to be.
My little heart breaks and I want to cry,
Because it is so sad and I am not sure why.
Why couldn’t we tell Jesus no
That she had to stay here and she couldn’t go?
What is her spirit and how did it leave?
How did her body stop working, please answer me.
Can we go to heaven and visit today?
Why is the answer always some other day?
When will the time come that I can finally see,
The baby that you had promised me?
I want my baby and I want her now.
You can bring her home mom, let me tell you how.
We can go to the Dr and ask him once more
To give us a baby, one we will adore
Or we can go to the cemetery
and just dig for her there
I saw the box that you put her in,
I can find it I swear.
Last but not least, we can always ask our Lord above,
To give us back the baby that we so love.
Either way you go about it, you know what to do,
You are my mom and I trust in you.
Please don’t cry mom,
I will give you a hug and a kiss.
And I will try to understand mom I promise you this.
Just be patient and kind it’s not easy for me.
It’s hard to understand
why our baby just couldn’t be.

Mary Nelda




You and Dad have been on this ‘best buddy’ kick lately. Y’all call each other best buddy, not Dad and son. The first thing you say to Dad in the morning, “Good morning, Best Buddy!” or coming home for lunch or work, “Hey, Best Buddy!” I admit, it makes Mom jealous. I even asked you if I was your best buddy and you told me, “No, only boys can be. “ I love to sit and watch y’all play with the DS or Dad’s Ipad.

Although you and Dad have this great relationship, so do you and I. For whatever reason, you like for me to bathe you, brush your teeth, bedtime story, and prayers. When Dad does it, you say, “I want Mommy to do it!!” Before your naptime, you say, “I can’t fall asleep without a kiss from you, Mommy.” Or if you are by me napping, you like to hold my hand. You will always be my lil man and I know you will always take care of your Mom!!

It’s amazing how much you have changed in a year, not only physically but personality wise. Your imagination continues to grow. Dad and I love to listen to you play with your toys and how you ‘act them out.’ You can definitely come up with some stuff.

A few things you like: dinosaurs, color changing hot wheels, airplanes, army men, zhu-zhu pets, your hamster, coloring, drawing, and lots more.

You are patiently waiting for your little brother’s arrival. I know you are going to be a big help to Mommy and Daddy.

Remember what I also say—Lean on the Lord. He is ALWAYS with you in good times and in bad. He will guide you. Some things may not make since to you, but they will reveal themselves in time. He has a purpose for your life. Trust in Him and keep your faith and things will fall right into place.

We love you sweet boy!!

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY!!!

36 weeks

Remember, I am done with treatments!!

BUT I did have an OB appointment today. Seems as though I am 1 cm dilated and 50% thinned.

REMINDER: Rivers is not due until January 22.

My last post 35 weeks, I said that I was 'nervous and scared'. Well, now, I am definitely nervous, scared, worried, etc!  We were in his office and I had lots of questions of how this process was going to go. "Will we get to spend some time with him before they evaluate him and run all the tests?" "Am I going to deliver and he just be whisked away to be evaluated?"  "How long will it take for the tests to be ran?"  Before I could ask all these questions he answered them =)  I then went ahead and told him my birthing plan.

I told him that I have been feeling more pressure and a few light contractions. Nothing close enough to time though.
He said for me to call him if I needed him and I would see him in one week, which is Monday.

When I got home, I rested for a little while and then got up and started cleaning our room and closet. Tomorrow (which is Konner's 5th birthday, by the way) I have a list of 'chores' to do. BUT, I will try and take it easy and not over do myself.

If you haven't already been praying, you can start now =)

3 and a half more weeks

Merry CHRISTmas!!

Jesus.. The greatest gift of all. Happy Birthday to you!!

Oh, Adyson, how you are missed! Without you, our family is not complete. BUT we will be one day in Heaven. You are forever in our hearts. We love you, Adyson!!

35 weeks

35 weeks was when I delivered Adyson. *memories*

Today was my LAST treatment of IVIG.

The LAST time I will walk down the Labor & Delivery hall until I deliver.

 The LAST time I will see these two signs until I deliver.

The LAST time I will have an IV and blood pressure cuff until I deliver. 

All done!! 

I sure am going to miss all those nurses that have been with me since day 1. I know all of them learned something from me as far as Neonatal Hemochromatosis goes and preventative treatment for it. Glad I could help ladies!

I remember my first treatment and how the nurses were figuring out what to do and how much IVIG to give, etc. Dan and I both knew how much. They could have asked us. =)  I, personally, have read those guidlines over and over and over. And will read the guidlines again for what will happen with Rivers the day he is born and what test will be ran and evaluations, etc.  Funny, because we brought the guidlines for them to go by and they already had a copy. Everything worked out fine.  

Lately, I have been nervous and scared about delivery. You would think I haven't been through it twice before. My last doctors appointment, Rivers was breech and I was flipping out about that.  Praise the Lord, yesterday at my appointment his head WAS and IS down!!  One less thing to worry about. Oh, and I was NOT dilated any!! But, as you can imagine, being what we have been through, I am worried and scared. I try to not let it cross my mind, but sometimes it does. You can pray for that! 

I am now onto weekly doctors visits.  AHHH!!! (that's me screaming by the way)

January 22 will be here before we know it!  

This was above the door to some patient rooms and I thought it was awesome! I love walking into places and seeing 'Merry Christmas', 'Joy To The World', etc instead of Happy Holidays.

CHRISTmas in Heaven

I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS THIS YEAR

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees

Around the world below,

With the all the lights like heaven's stars

Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular

Please wipe away that tear,

For I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs

That people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare

With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you

The joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description

To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me

I see the pain inside your heart,

But I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year..

I cannot tell you of the splendor

Or the peace here in this place,

Can you just imagine Christmas?

With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit

As I tell HIM of your love,

So then pray one for another

As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful

And let your spirit sing,

For I am spending Christmas in heaven

And I am walking with the King!!!

**Don't forget to pause my other music**



We love you and miss you dearly sweet girl.

Merry CHRISTmas from Mommy, Daddy, Konner and Rivers!!


The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

Twas the night before Jesus came....

Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house,

Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.

Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care,

In hope that Jesus would not come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,

Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.

And Mom in her rocker with the baby on her lap,

Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.

When out of the East there arouse such a clatter,

I sprang to my feet to see waht was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.

With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray,

I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!!

The light of His face made me cover my head.

It was Jesus' returning just like He said.

And although I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,

I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life which He held in His hand,

Was written the name of every saved man.

He spoke not a word as He searched for my name,

When He said, "It's not here." my head hung in shame.

The people whose names had been written with love,

He gathered to take to His Father above.

With those who were ready He rose without a sound,

While all the rest were left standing around.

I fell to my knees, but it was too late.

I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.

I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight.

Oh, if only we had been ready tonight.

In the words of this poem the meaning is clear,

The coming of Jesus is drawing near.

There's only one life and when comes the last call,

We'll find that the Bible was true after all.

.....for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 

34 weeks

I was this far in my pregnancy when I started having contractions with Adyson. And not the Braxton Hicks one either. Real. Painful. Contractions. Ones that kept me up at night and eventually had me on my hands and knees trying to relieve my back pain. I guess you could imagine the worry I am having now about the same events occuring again. Last night I was up around 2 and didn't fall back asleep til about 4 just thinking and worrying about it. You can pray for that!  Another thing that is concerning me is Rivers being breech. Yes, I am only 34 weeks but it's still a concern/worry of mine. I have been on my hands and knees like the doctor said every day, a few times a day hoping he will turn. He still hasn't moved =( You can pray for that also!

How many nurses does it take to prime a line??

Today was my 19th treatment of 20. Labor and Delivery was a busy floor today. I did hear a baby cry =) Shannon (the nurse on the right; she has been with me since the very beginning) was having a hard time priming the line for the IVIG to go through. She was having one of those days. It took both of them a few minutes to get it to drip and work the way it should. Everything went just fine and my IV took the first time =)   

After I was done there, I went to the peditrician's office (Millette) and gave him the guidelines of what all needs to be evaluated and what tests to be ran on day 1 of birth. He kept up with Adyson and knows about NH and is ready/prepared for the big day! As are we =)

1 (ONE, UNO) treatment to go WOO!!! HOO!!!

5 more weeks til he makes his arrival

The Bittersweet 'plunge'

Today, we finally removed the pink dots and Adyson's name off the wall to begin decorating to fit Rivers' bedding decor.

 Oh how bittersweet it was! After we were finished I was looking out the window thinking how hard it was to remove her name and I was quickly reminded, by her name on my car, that just because her name is off the wall, doesn't mean she is out of our hearts.

Seeing that put a smile on my face. The Lord knew just what I needed at that time.  

 We CANNOT wait for our third miracle to make his arrival in just 6 short weeks!!

 I think his room is coming along great! What do you think?
We are going to add green and yellow dots. And there is one small wall still with the pink, brown and white dots that I am going to do a little something special for Adyson.

One other thing.....

 If you have ever been in Dan's office at work then you know he has pictures of Adyson with himself, me and also a family one taken before her heart surgery. Very often he has customers ask about her and he then tells our story.  

 A few weeks ago, an older woman went into his office and asked about Adyson and Dan told her the story as he has done so many other times. She left his office, made a transaction, went back into his office and handed him some money. She told Dan to use it to buy her an ornament to go on our tree.

We found one at Hallmark today. And it even lights up =)



2 Corinthians 12:10 ....For when I am weak, then I am strong.

33 weeks

Last week I had a 'big' ultrasound with the unltrasound tech. Dr. Bosco wanted to make sure Rivers is growing the way he should. Which he is!! Sharon, the ultrasound tech, told us that he is weighing in at 4 lbs 4 oz. He is already bigger than his sister! She was 4 lbs 6 oz when she was born at 35 weeks. YIKES!! Sharon also told us he has white hair right now, BUT it could change. The first thing that stood out when his face appeared was his BIG lips.  I was shocked!! As you can see in the picture below his hand is on his head and his leg is curled up. There was one point where his elbow and knee touched. My poor baby is so cramped in there. You can also see the umbilical cord between the face and leg. We even got to see his little booty and Konner was so happy about that =)

I was SO excited to see him, I went home and started packing his bag for the hospital. As I was getting things out to put in the diaper bag, I thought, "What all do I pack?" I even asked Dan. The last time I packed a bag was for Konner and that was 5 years ago.  I was in his room and I had put a few onesies, blankets, diapers, wipes in the bag and all of a sudden got the overwhelming feeling of sadness. (Which happens every time I go in there) His room is still decorated the way we had it for Adyson, wtih her name and dots on the wall and everything. And I started thinking about not packing a bag for her. The only thing of Rivers is the bedding and clothes in the dresser and closet.  I feel SO bad!! I didn't want Dan and Konner hear me cry so I went into Konner's bathroom and cleaned up and didn't go back in the room after that. Plus I had a jewelry party to go to that night and I didn't want to go looking like I had just bawled my eyes out.  I know the feeling will change once he makes his arrival, BUT still that room will always be Ady's too. We are even leaving one small wall decorated just for her and we are going to put a shadow box and picture of her too.

Yesterday was my ob appointment and everything is good there too =)  He did tell me that he is breech and I need to work on getting his head down by geting on my hands and knees and rocking back and forth. When he told me this I freaked out a little. I have seen those baby stories where they try and turn the baby and the lady screams because it hurts so bad!! I DO NOT want that to be me. So, what did I do? I went home and sure enough got on my hands and knees for about 5 minutes. Which I don't mind, because it also relieves my back pain =) I WILL be doing this a few times a day to get him in the direction he needs to be for delivery. Dr. Bosco is going to check to see where his head is when I go back in two weeks.

My treatment is going good today!! IV took the first time in my wrist! WOO!! HOO!! Now it's off to search the web and get some ideas on photograhing a wedding that me and a friend are shooting.

2 more treatments to go
6 more weeks until baby Rivers makes his arrival =)

Busy Weekend

We usually have Konner's birthday party near the end of January after the Christmas holidays and everyone has settled down from all the hustle and bustle of going from this Christmas to that Christmas party. Well, this year we had to do it the beginning of December since Rivers is due January 22.  Christmas was the theme this year for his party. I made the invitations and the decorations, which was only a birthday banner and a Christmas tree. BUT, if I do say so myself, everything turned out great! I made sugar cookies for the kids to decorate and they also made snow globes. Things got a little messy, but the kids had fun... I think =)

One pink balloon signifying Adyson

homemade banner

Kon and his cookie

decorating cookies

making snow globes

Kon and his snow globe

singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY

the kids can never get close enough =)

Sunday afternoon we attended the 11th annual 'Lighting of the Remembrance Tree' held by Heritage Funeral Home. The staff makes a slide show of those who have past and gives out ornaments to the families who have lost loved ones the past year. The slide show started and Adyson was the first one shown. Do I need to say I cried? Konner said he wanted to get up and get the ornament so we all walked together and it was handed to him. Once again I cried, except harder this time. It was a really nice service and the staff there are so sincere. If any of the staff read this blog, THANK YOU!!

Konner with the ornament

hanging on the tree

her name in the program

Hard to believe it has almost been one year since she has been gone. Thank you LORD for giving me strength to get through it all.

32 weeks

My treatment this go round was like non other. The first IV blew again. My veins are starting to knot up. Next two weeks I will get the IV in the crease of my arm she said.  That way it will give my hands a rest and they can heal up. During the treatment I got really hot all of a sudden and started sweating. Out of the blew I tell ya. I buzzed the nurses station and she came in and I told her what was going on. She took my temperature, but it was 98.1 and my blood pressure was fine. I went to the bathroom and took a little break and after a few minutes I was fine. The nurse turned the air on after that.

3 more treatments to go
7 more weeks til he makes his arrival