Church

Isn't it weird how sometimes the place you think you would be the most comfortable, feel at peace, the happiest, can bring on such different emotions?
Ever since Adyson died I have struggled with going back to Church. I have only been once since she was born. Not because I no longer believe .. not because I don't want to be there .. not because I don't know it is a place of love and comfort where I can be close to our Father in Heaven ... why then? Because I struggle with keeping my emotions "in check". I absolutely know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that it is because of my faith and beliefs that I have gotten through all these trials knowing that I will one day be with my sweet Ady again. I know how much our Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Ady is watching over us and that Dan, Konner and I will all be together again as an eternal family some day. It is probably these beliefs that make it so hard for me as I sat in Sunday School class two weeks ago. I know that I am loved unconditionally and that is probably why I am overcome with so many emotions when I am there. I try to be strong all the time. I try not to show my emotions or let the tears flow "in public". When people ask how I am, I say good, but on the inside, I am dying inside. Here lately Ady is all that consumes my thoughts. I can't stop thinking obsessing over her and the what if's. I have so much on my mind, I am scatterbrained.