to my first born

Dear Kon Man,

I have always wanted to write you letters throughout your life. Contrary to what you believe I am not super mom and some things I want to do get started a little late :) Well better late than never right?

Whether this letter is late or not, I have loved you since the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I hope reading this you will have all the proof you need in knowing that.

You did come earlier than what your Dad and I expected, but what a blessing from our Heavenly Father. You have filled our heart with so much joy. I remember the first time you smiled. We were at the doctor's office for my 6 week check up after you were born and I had a baby wipe and I was waving it in front of your face and you smiled and I cried. Maybe it was just gas, but I like to think know it was me :)

You are loved by so many people. Although when you are with your friends, family I ceased to exists. (which sucks) I know in my heart that in your heart I have a very special place that no one else can fill. At the end of the day I know that I am your hero and I hope to never take that for granted. Just know and never doubt how much you are loved by your family. We adore you. Even if you do wake your Dad and I up at 5, 6 or 7 in the morning. I didn't know those hours existed until you came along, but I do now and Thank You. Your Mama is not a morning person- ask Mimi and Pop.

Your personality is something else. I love to see Dad and I inch our own personalities in you. Now, I do believe you have more of your Mama in you than your Daddy. You look like your Daddy though. We used to show you pictures of your Daddy when he was younger and you thought it was you. Although here lately I have been getting that you are starting to look like me. I love it when a song is on you come up with your own words, just like your Daddy.

I love to watch you play with your toys. You have such an imagination. Who knows where you come up wtih some of the stuff. Do you remember your 'work shops'? Well, you had about ten of them. They started when we were in Chicago with your baby sister.  Your friend Logan and Molly worked at one. Playgrounds, Monster Trucks, houses, and all kinds of things were built there. When we said our prayers at night you would pray for them.

I love how when we are sitting on the couch you grab my hand and hold it. Just like right now, I am trying to type this you keep grabbing my hand and kissing it and putting it on your chest. I also love how when you are holding my hand you play with my ring with mine, yours and Ady's birthstone. You have even asked to wear it.  

I now know when Adyson was born it was so hard for you.  Mommy was at the hospital with her and Daddy was home with you. I hated not seeing you everyday. Being torn from you and her killed me. I didn't realize how much it affected you until after she passed away you kept telling me not to leave you. One day we were laying on the couch watching a movie and you turned to me and said

"Never leave me Mommy"

This time when you said it I asked,

"Why you say that baby."

That's when you told me about not going to the hospital with baby sister. My heart broke. That's when I had to explain to you again that baby sister wasn't in the hospital anymore that she is in Heaven with God. That only made me, you and Daddy closer and stronger. And you know what, God did that. I just pray that you know that God knew what he was doing when He gave us Ady. We are so blessed to say we had her in our lives for 4 short months. And we are so blessed even after God took her from us. Remember what I always tell you, 'God needed her more.'

Each day I pray for so many things for you. Good health. Your safety. Which I know the gushing wounds, and broke bones are going to come. It's inevitable. The bugs, dirt, dinosaurs and everything else, I have to be ok with.

And more than anything else, I pray that you allow God in your heart. I pray ferverently that you will know how deep, how high, and how wide His love is for you. Cling to Him. He holds you always .I pray that you will love Him even more deeply than you love your family. He is it, Konner!! Follow Him and He will change your life day after day.

I knew that I would love you, but never knew to what magnitude and never how deep. You are a perfect fit to our family. Throughout life our relationship will change but just know in your heart that my love for you will never change. God has big plans for you and lucky me I have a front row seat.

I love you, precious boy!

Love Mommy