Here Lately

I cannot begin to explain the emotions that have consumed me these past few days.  I know, I am pregnant and hormones change and emotions go wAcKy. But I am so overwhemled with missing Adyson, sometimes it just may be ridiculous. I fall asleep crying, wake up crying, do housework crying, type this crying. There are times I feel like I am loosing my mind. At the end of the day I hope to get in bed to get rest, but she consumes my thoughts. I need more than physical rest. I need my mind to stop thinking:"You should of done this." You should of done that." What if we did this?" or "What if we did that?" Regret this and regret that and blame yourself for this and blame yourself for that. A constant struggle, some days worse than others. It took all I had to change the heading at the top of this page.

Here I sit, 18 weeks pregnant with another blessing from above and I haven't gained any weight and don't feel like eating at all. I make myself eat and when I do it's not much, I get full fast.  I have continued to eat the protein bars that my doctor told me to eat.  The only thing I can drink is water because everything else leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. If you see me out, you will see me with my Singing River Health System water jug I got from the hospital when I did my first treatment. 

my breakfast bowl: (for cereal)

My friend wants to throw me a baby shower sometime in November, but I wonder if she should. Will he be ok? Will he have Neonatal Hemochromatosis like his big sister? Will we be bring him home to use everything?

I decided to have a yard sale and try to get some money to buy Rivers some things. So, I have been going through Adyson's room and putting prices on them and separating the sizes (0-3, 3-6, 6-9, etc, etc)  There is still a few things missing from the picture (baby blankets, bedding). At first I thought, "This won't be hard, she never used any of this." Boy was I wrong! I didn't get emotional putting it all in the bags, I actually felt good about it being I could sell it and have money for Rivers. But the more I look at it in my living room, the more it gets to me.

out with the pink

in with the blue

What keeps me smiling? These three boys:

There is never a dull moment in this house. From Dan's hard work so I am able to stay home (which has it's struggles) to Konner's laugh and dances and songs he comes up with and his comments, and Rivers tiny kicks, through all the heartache, grief, emotions there is always blessings to smile about. 

I was crying this morning and Konner asked me what was wrong and I told him that I missed Adyson and he responds so tenderheartedly by saying, "It's ok, Mom. Remember she is in Heaven. Smile. Smile. Smile"

I was talking to my brother the other day and he asked when I am due and I told him on the one year passing of Ady, he said, "I think that's God's way of saying 'THANK YOU' for letting me use Ady to touch so many people's lives and for His glory." 

I have recently been reading a book in the Bible called Lamentations. Lamentations is known as the 'book of tears.'  Jeremiah is grieving and in the midst of that grief he finds hope in God.

Tragedy happens to good people and not all Christians respond by going to their knees and reaching for their Bible's. Sometimes we travel a journey on a long, weary, dark road before we see the light of God that has His hand out waiting for us to grab ahold of it and to never let go again. 

Like the saying in my heading:

DON'T MISS OUT ON A BLESSING BECAUSE IT ISN'T PACKAGED THE WAY YOU EXPECT IT!!